


a terribly real thing (in a terribly false world)

by mihael_jeevas



Series: how to tell if someone loves you [1]
Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-18
Updated: 2013-02-18
Packaged: 2017-11-29 18:11:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/689956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mihael_jeevas/pseuds/mihael_jeevas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Life back at the Black Order after his run-in with the Noah Clan isn't kind to Lavi. Neither is Kanda, but maybe that's okay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	a terribly real thing (in a terribly false world)

**Author's Note:**

> (this was born from a prompt meme on tumblr, and i ended up getting a lot more lavi/kanda requests than expected, so. a drabble collection happened. spoilers for the latest chapters)

Lavi’s been to a lot of places in his life; in both his professions as a Bookman-in-training and an Exorcist in practice it’s sort of required. He’s been on beaches and inside tombs, traveled around the world collecting the best and worst that humanity has to offer (though admittedly he’s seen more bad than good in mankind). That being said, the Black Order is easily the most profoundly unsettling place he’s ever encountered. The building has a quality to it that makes him almost wish he was still locked away in a Noah hideout spending quality time with the monsters that kidnapped him and Bookman.

He’s been back at the Order for about four days now and he’s been conscious for about two of them. Bookman’s still out; unlike Lavi he had been awake for most of their time with the Noah, meaning he needs rest more than anything else. But it doesn’t look good. Nobody’s said that, obviously. In fact, everyone—especially the Lee siblings—have been bending over backwards to be cheerful. Lavi doesn’t begrudge them, even if their optimism turns his stomach. Years ago he would have, but now he’s too tired to feel the familiar contempt that comes with hope.

But now it’s midnight and everyone’s asleep, leaving Lavi alone with his thoughts (the few he can muster up, at least). It’s the first time he’s had to himself in months, and the feeling is bittersweet. He’s always been a solitary creature, fitting for a Bookman, but now being in his own company sets him on edge. The constant sound of rainfall crawls under his skin and the long shadows of the hospital ward seem to possess a life of their own, causing him feel watched, hunted almost. When he turns in bed and sees Kanda leaning against the wall Lavi’s heart nearly jumps out of his chest, and he bites his lip to keep from screaming.

Kanda is wearing his usual tiny, condescending smirk, arms tightly crossed against his chest to make him look every bit as unfriendly as he is. But his coldness is welcome to Lavi. All everyone’s done lately is coddle him. Their smiles, their reassurances—it’s all lies. Well-meaning lies, but lies nonetheless, and now more than ever Lavi wants the truth. He’s thankful to Kanda for this—and for saving his life, naturally. For once, Lavi doesn’t let himself imagine the possibilities, ignoring the ideas that flood his brain when he pictures staying in the Noah compound any longer.

“You look like shit,” Kanda says, which is really undeniable. There’s a dark bruise-like circle under Lavi’s good eye, and his hair is damp and matted from his restless attempts at sleep. He’s lost a good amount of weight; his cheeks are sharper than before and the skin around his ribs feels far too tight. And worst of all, no matter how many showers he’s taken Lavi still has this nagging, disgusting feeling. Not that Kanda knows about that, but the man’s not exactly as thick as everyone thinks he is.

“Thanks, Yuu. Sure know how to flatter a guy.”

Kanda snorts. “Like I’d ever bother doing something like that.”

“No, you wouldn’t,” Lavi agrees, then falls silent. It’s odd not to chatter and grin, but slipping into character takes more energy than Lavi can afford to spend. It’s not like Bookman’s around to reprimand him for slipping.

Somehow, that thought manages to send the strangest pang through his chest. Lavi is supposed to be rational. Lavi isn’t supposed to care. Lavi knows this, and yet … “The panda awake yet?”

“Still out like a light.”

“I see.” If anything, being an Exorcist has just made Lavi a foolish child again. He feels far too young and yet also incredibly old at the same time. Suddenly his eyelid feels heavy and he blinks in a frustrated attempt to stay coherent.

“With his age and conditions being what they were, he probably won’t make it. You should prepare yourself for the inevitable.”

“Man, your sensitivity really knows no bounds, General,” Lavi comments. “Though I guess I shouldn’t shittalk a superior, should I?”

“It’s a bullshit title,” Kanda says, though he fidgets in clear discomfort. “It doesn’t mean anything.”

“I find that hard to believe.”

“Believe whatever the fuck you want.”

Lavi sighs. The really unfortunate thing about being kidnapped by the Noah, besides being kidnapped by the Noah, was how it had taken the fun out of his forty ninth persona. He couldn’t even enjoy his usual bickering with Kanda and really, what was the point of living if he was driving his fellow Exorcists up a wall? The thought alone of living such a dull existence is draining enough. Lavi flops back on his bed and stare listlessly at the ceiling. After a moment the mattress dips and he doesn’t have to look to know Kanda’s sitting beside him. Close contact has been mildly terrifying as of late, but Kanda’s presence has always been oddly soothing to Lavi. Kanda was a constant in a world that was consistent only in its ability to turn completely in the blink of an eye.

The thought makes Lavi’s throat tighten with some sudden, not quite describable emotion. “I guess I owe you,” he says, hoping speaking will clear it. “For saving my life and all.”

“You owe me for a lot of shit, rabbit. This is just icing on the cake.”

There’s nothing sweet about the sentiment, which is exactly why it makes Lavi reach out and grab Kanda’s hand. He laces their fingers, squeezing them slightly, and though Kanda tenses he doesn’t pull back. “Thank you,” Lavi says softly.

“Whatever,” Kanda replies after a long moment of silence. He’s positioned so that all Lavi sees is dark hair and glimpses of skin bleached by moonlight, but the shadow of Kanda is comforting enough.

That night is the first time in nearly a year he sleeps without dreaming. It’s a small peace, sleeping with Kanda’s hand in his, but Lavi will take it.


End file.
